I love to laugh. In fact, when I open my emails, I usually check the jokes first. A good belly laugh is a great way to start the day. 🙂

Here are a few one-liners, jokes and nonsense to ease you into laughter.

One-Liners:

• Seen on a bumper sticker: Member of Ladies Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.
• With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

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Words to be Remembered By

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”

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The Shrink

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.  What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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The Perfect Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had …an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I wakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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Divine Intervention

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

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Why We Love Children

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, “…and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling!” The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Have a great day … unless you’ve already made other plans.